Faith

I am an avid reader of Proudduck - eventhough my discovery of it was a bit late (back in 2011/2012?). Today, while reading Vivy's latest post, the last paragraph really hit me. 

In my many years of living, alhamdulillah, I don't think I've been tested that severely. That being said, it's only because I view my tests as so small compared to what I see and hear about others' test. I have cousins who are around my age or younger going through things you can't possibly imagine would happen to an average Joe.. So if you ask me, my rejection from my 1st Uni of choice, my troubled relationship, those are very, very, very light compared to what they had/ have to go through. 

But still, that does not mean I do not think that my story is not worthy to tell - afterall it is my blog you are reading

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I can't remember if I wrote it here, but my first Uni of choice was Liverpool. I already had a classmate (from college) who was going to Liverpool and I thought, "Wonderful! We can apply for the same accommodation", Daddy's favourite team is Liverpool, he can visit me and we can go to the games together and all other things planned out. But when my A-Levels results came out, I missed the grades by 3 points - and with that 3 points, Liverpool slipped out of my hands. In 18 years of living, I can honestly say that this was the biggest blow (then) to me. You see, I was a good student in school, not amazing, but everybody knew I would score. I scored in all my major papers from UPSR up to SPM and I thought I would score A-Levels too. Alas, God brought me back down to Earth and I remember just crying for days because going to UK was a life-long dream.. 

But of course, God listens, and God is the best planner - God sent me to Sheffield. A place that I literally had to do research about and couldn't even begin to imagine how it looked like because I've literally never had any interest in it.. But it turned out to be a place where I left a piece of me and a place that is special to my heart. I cannot look at Tescos now without thinking about my random Tesco trips. I cannot have fried rice now wihtout thinking of Yummy's Fried Rice. As for friends that I was so scared about not being able to make any - well, not only that some of my highschool mates eventually made their way to Sheffield too, but I also made friends there than so happens to live within 5-20 minutes radius from me in KL.. God is the best planner, He listens to your every doa - even the silly ones like "Dear God, please grant me a Malaysian friend so Mummy would be at ease". 

My second greatest test in life (so far) I would say is about my turbulent relationship. Just like my studies, with relationships I have always been the one to leave it unscathed. Not to say that I was completely unfazed by it, but more like the sadness wouldn't have put me in a state of depression. 

After 5 years long of a relationship, when it ended early this year, nobody at work knew about the break up, until I had to gradually "announced" it because people were asking "Aren't you going out with him tonight? It's the weekend!", that kind of thing - and this was about a month afterwards because I was finally able to talk about it. They never knew about my silent cries at work - about how I'd cry alone in the surau while praying and immediately try to wipe it or stop it when someone else walks in to pray, about how I faked "my eyes are itchy" to explain why I'm "yawning a lot to wet my eyes". 

None of my friends (besides Zayana and Zoe) fully know what happened (some even til today perhaps) because all they got from me was "I don't want to talk about it". The most they got was "We broke up - please don't ask me anymore about him".

It took me all the way up to May to finally be done with it and close the book. And even then it literally took my dignity away because at one point I was at the stage of begging for mercy and it was never given and simply taken away from me. I had my mother not knowing what to do with me anymore and had to text Zayana, "Can you please talk to her? Aunty tak tahu nak cakap apa to her anymore". 

So you can imagine the amount of anger/ pain I was carrying with me all the way to Mekah. During my first few days there I remember praying to God telling Him about how hurt I was and begging for my pain to be lifted up. 

And of course, God listens, He protects you.. Remember about my incident with the grapes and the kids in Masjidil Haram? There was more to that story.. After berbuka, while performing Maghrib prayers, the boys actually prayed next to me (with their sister next to them). And for some reason, their innocence just got to me and the next thing I knew tears were falling down my cheeks and suddenly my heart felt light (and touched by the kids' innocence). That very moment, in prayers, I knew - whatever pain, hatred and anger that I felt and was holding on to, it was "lifted up". Weirdly also I remember having this conversation with God, "God, I want children of my own - children who are innocent, who appreciates the smallest kindness that people show them. I want to build a family with someone that You have written for me, and I know I can't find that happiness unless I let go of this pain". 

SubhanAllah and Alhamdulillah, I was able to complete my umrah and returned to Malaysia 10000x happier than when I left. Of course the sadness was there, it is only natural to be sad about something that has been with you for years, but I was no longer depressed. I no longer had the "I don't feel like doing anything" and spend waking moments with a constant pain in my heart. I was able to go places that brought back memories and I was just, content. 

--

God is great. He is the best planner. He listens and He knows just what you need and when you need it. 

I have learned to not put your trust in humans, but instead put your trust in God. Because God can change a human's heart in a beat (whether in your favour or not).. But believe that whatever happens, it is always the best for you.

Sheffield was the best for me because it let me to find another best friend and gave me my degree and a job I very much like. 

The break up was the best for me because it allowed me to feel God's grace, warmth, greatness and so much more!

And I know of course as I age, there will be more tests for me.. (Hopefully God take it easy still on me cause urm as you read, I really was tested lightly.. But God never put you through something He knows you wouldn't be able to handle) but I believe, insyaAllah I will be alright (at least on Earth..). 

Put your faith in no other but Allah S.W.T - and without faith, you'd go crazy. 

Lucky Few

This is simply beautiful.  I watch too many Hindi movies that I think all guys should be like Raj in DDLJ or Rahul in KKHH/KKKG. My parents were high school sweethearts, and alhamdulillah they're still together til this day. These two combined make me have craaaazy expectations about love.  But to all you people who keep telling me, "It only happens in movies". HAH! It does happen in real life tooo! It may not happen to everyone, unfortunately, but it does for some lucky few.  And I can only hope I am one of those lucky few.

Rejoice

I think this is too beautiful to not share. 

I myself for one been going through some sort of "turbulence" with my final *hopefully* stretch of long distance. Sometimes seriously it's just easier to run for the exit door rather than fighting through. But when you think about how much you've been through and what potentially lies ahead for you, you'll find the strength to stay. 

InsyAllah, 7 more months to go. 

Cornetto

While in The Boat,

Me: I feel like having a Cornetto. But then I want it because I want to eat the top part only. I don't really wan't the rest of the Cornetto.. Should I?

Pisang: *looks at me like I'm a weirdo* ....

Ash: See! That's EXACTLY WHYYYY I don't like Cornettos! Only the top part is nice, the rest of it is just full of disappointments....

Pisang & I: *Look at each other*

Me: ... This is not relationships we're talking about Ash! ...

And then the next 5 minutes, we psycho-analysed each other using our own Cornetto Theory.

Pisang: See Aisya, you just want the top part of the Cornetto right, the good part, but you don't want the rest of the Cornetto, means you're not willing to commit to the Cornetto all the way. You just want the frivolous part of it. You think you want the Cornetto, but you really don't, you just want the Cornetto in your head, which consists only of the top part.

Pisang: And you Ash, well you're just bitter against Cornettos. Cornettos disappoint you, so you stay away from Cornetto to avoid disappointment all together.

Pisang: But you seeeeeee, guys... The beautiful thing about Cornetto is that at the end of it, you get the beautiful chocolate bit in the cone!

Me: So is that what you're doing right now? Just enjoying the middle part of the Cornetto, waiting to get to the end of it?

Ash: Explains sooooo much! That's why she buys like 5 boxes of Cornettos!

Pisang: And I have Aisya who adds to it somemore whenever she goes to Tesco..

Ash: Ahhh.. We've figured out life through Cornettos..

Til Jannah

Quite a few days back, I made a realisation: You don't have to change yourself for the sake of someone you love. Someone who truly loves you will accept you the way you are and deal with your nonsense. They'll deal with you and your OCD, they'll deal with your unhealthy habit of collecting stuff, they'll deal with your whininess, they'll deal with your tantrums, they'll deal with your clinginess. They'll deal with you, as you are.

People may argue that there's no harm in changing for the better. Which I agree, heck if someone wants to change for the better, you can bet my prayers will be with them. But I think it's not necessary for you to change "for the better" when "the better" is what someone else wants from you. You change for yourself, because YOU want to be the better person yourself. Not because you want someone else to like you.

From my break ups, one of the reasons given to me was because apparently I've gotten way too clingy. ... For the longest time I tried to prove him wrong, "I'm not clingy! Everybody knows I'm independent. Even my own parents think I'm independent". So I tried, I tried becoming less and less clingy, thinking that'll make me "better".

Recently I've come to terms that, you know what, so WHAT if I AM clingy? I don't see any problem with my "clinginess". I don't act like a psychotic girlfriend, I'm not crazy telling he has to spend all his time with me. I know I am independent, but at the same time I like to manja  with people I love (be it my family, my friends or my boyfriend). These are the people that I am comfortable enough with to let loose with, to rant to, to seek comfort in. If my "manja"-ness is deemed as "clingy", then so be it.

Me: I've come to accept the fact that I am clingy. And I've decided that if someone has a problem with that, they can leave. I'll find someone who's able to tolerate with my clinginess. I mean, I found Zayana!

And I swear, nobody deals with my clinginess like Zayana does. Okay, maybe my mother when I'm home. I still remember me crying in her room before 7AM,

Mummy: Aiyooo.. Jangan lah nangis... I have a meeting later at 9... I need to sleep somemore... Can you do this later?

There's no love like a mother's love ain't it? But anyways, I know all my other friends deal a lot with me too, but they don't live with me. So they don't go through what Zayana has to go through with me.

BUT.

At the same, as clingy as I am, God gave me someone equally as clingy (if not more :p).

Pisang: You know, when he told me he's going away for camp for 3 days, my first thought was "It's okay... I have Aisya.. I'll cling on to her instead".

& She did..

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Pisang: You know, when I saw my sister's photos in Disneyland, I'm like, "UNTUNGLAHHHHH! IT'S OKAYYYYYYY! I'll drag Aisya to Disneyland and then I'll take pictures like that tooooooooo".

& She did........ (Now the whole world knows why I went to Disneyland :p Can I nominate myself for bestfriend of the year award yet?)

--

Pisang: Aisya... I need human interaction...

*10 minutes later I decided I wanted to go and makan*

Pisang: WAIIITTT! Don't leave meeeeeeee!

& She runs after me..

--

Pisang: See, I've never had a boyfriend that will publicly show their love for me. But you know what, God is fair, He gave me Aisya. See look at her Instagram, "scroll, scroll, oh look! There's me! Scroll again, And there's me again! And look she even hashtagged it forever & love!".

God.. The things we settle for...

So my point is, DO NOT change yourself just because of someone's opinion about you. Most of the time these people don't matter anyways. "People that matters, don't care (about your appearance/annoying quirks etc). People that do (care), don't matter" #whatmymommataughtme. Eventually you'll find someone who's willing to tolerate these little little things about you. May not be in the form of your significant other (yet. InsyAllah one day you'll find the one that will) but there'll be someone.

Pisang: WELLLLLL, I'm sorry mother I do not have a boyfriend who will #love #forever #tilJannah for me!!

Me: ... Sokay! You have me! Come Zayana, we take another photo I post on Instagram with #tilJannah k?

Pisang: .... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Idiot!

You know what they say, you make a girl laugh, she's yours :p

#forever #love #tothemoonandback #thenbackagaintothemoon #clingyterlebih #tilJannah #insyAllah #dahcukup?

Let It Go

"Let it go, let it go, turn away & slam the door"

Letting go. Letting go has never been my strong forte. I don't deal with people leaving me that well. I don't deal with leaving people that well either. I just don't deal with leaving that well, period. I am without a doubt, one of the most easily attached person in my life. I like the comfort I get with the familiarity of things. So when people leave me, or I have to leave, that destroys the familiarity that I am used to. Therefore, I don't deal with it well. 

I had a phase where letting go was just something impossible for me to do. But my parents would always remind me this, "Whatever God has taken away from you, trust in God that God is going to replace it with someone/something much better".

Of course that sounds like the cheesiest line ever, especially when you're so emotionally scarred. But seriously, try it. Just for a brief moment, let yourself believe that something better will come your way, if you'd just let this one go without any hard feelings, without any negativity and put your trust in God. Let yourself see "the better days", and believe in God. God is The Most Loving towards His servants and above all, He loves those that put their trust in Him. Try it, and I can guarantee you that slowly, slowly you'll deal with letting things go better.

At least that happened to me.

--

Sometimes you just know when something isn't right. When something is about to go wrong, you'd feel it. As this continuously repeats itself, that special sensor of yours become stronger and stronger. Eventually you will actually laugh first at the sight of a storm coming while thinking, "I knew it" with a little smirk, in your head because you're right for the 10,000th time. But what you do not realise that as time progress, with every little "I was right" smirk comes also disappointment. With every disappointment, your walls get higher, your guards are more alert. And then suddenly you realise that your walls are so high that you're left confused as to whether your sensor is alerting you of an actual storm coming or you're just afraid of a little whip of fresh air.

But in Him I put my trust in.

Someone, Somewhere

So I was having a post-Disneyland withdrawal syndrome right, and I kept watching Disney movies after I came back from Disneyland. Then I decided, this has got to stop. I was solving puzzles all the way til 4.30AM because of it! -_- So what has a stronger impact in my life than Disney movies?

Yeahp, you guessed it, Hindi movies! :D So naturally I turn to my all-time favourite, Shah Rukh Khan and was searching for his super classic movies i.e: movies of him I watched as a child. The few that I ended up downloading were Dil To Pagal Hai, Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani and Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayange.

Started of with DDLJ and then moved on to DTPH and then PBDHH.

While watching DDLJ I was crying buckets and by the time I got to Dil To Pagal Hai my eyes were puffy from the back to back crying..

But lemme show you something that caught me by surprise at the end of Dil To Pagal Hai, (a little background about the movie: It is basically about this guy Rahul who doesn't believe in soul mates meets Pooja who is a firm believer that God has made a partner for everyone and it's up to them to find each other and God will help you find them. There's also a little love-triangle/quadrangle)

"Someone, somewhere, is made for you"

When I read that, it was like ".... OH WOOOOOOOOWWWWWW, NO WONDER you have this crazy belief in love.. Look at what you watched as you were growing up! Woooooooowwww, this explains SO MUCH" playing over and over in my head. Then I grabbed my phone, snapped the picture and sent it to my mother,

Me: Whaaaaaaaaaat did you let me watch as a child lah? (insert picture) It's no wonder I have this crazy belief in love! -___-

Mummy: Apa tuh?

Me: Ending Dil To Pagal Hai, it says "someone somewhere is made for you"

Mummy: Ohhh.. Hehe. Maybe.

Me: .... WHAT DO YOU MEAN MAYBE?! O.O

Mummy: Well, doesn't mean you'll meet them.

Me: MOTHER! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME?!  :O

Mummy: It's true. Mana tahu, maybe jumpa dekat akhirat ker..

Me: ..... You do not detroy my faith!!!!!!

Mummy: Sorry, I am a realist. & I'm old..

Leave it up to my mum to destroy my love bubble. Haih.

Anyways, today after I ran out of things to do (even after harassing all of my 900+ friends on Facebook to vote for the MH Selfie thing) after my morning tutorial AND afternoon nap, I decided to continue watching Phir Bhi. This movie was saved for last because I remember in my head that this movie isn't so much about love as much as it was about showing the political and ethical corruptions in India.

But of course, always count on Shah Rukh Khan to make me believe in love and smile again.. In the movie I re-discovered this scene below and was reminded of why I love Shah Rukh Khan and I swear, for the longest time, I thought that's how you fall in love; guy do nice things for girl, guy makes girl laugh, bam, you two fall in love! & Right there and then I believed again that one day, I will find a guy who will walk in the rain with me like that too :")

Basically in this scene SRK was walking Juhi Chawla's character home, and aaaaaaaah, go watch the movie with subtitles and then you'll get why I find him cute :)

And because of that I've decided that for my birthday, all I want is Shah Rukh Khan's DVDs (& possibly from other actors too, depending but mostly him). Simple, DVDs. And Banana says I'm high maintenance.. Pffft! FITNAH! :p

And no matter what my mother says (& eventhough there's a song called Mother Knows Best), I still believe that there is someone, somewhere is made for me, and I will find him!

Oh and Banana says, this is how I look like when I watch Shah Rukh Khan.. "Your face.. So intense! It's like whatever he's saying, you have to take it in word by word"

Yeah well, Shah Rukh Khan & green curry, couldn't ask for a better dinner.

THAT much

Banana has always said, "Nobody will ever love Aisya like how Aisya loves herself.. Her parents, her boyfriend, her bestfriends may love her immensely, but nobody, nobody will love her like she loves herself." In fact we even had this conversation after watching Frozen. See, in the movie, like any other Disney movie said "Only the act of true love can unfroze a frozen heart". 

B: Seriously Aisya, nobody will love you like how you love yourself. If you get frozen, nobody can help you.

M: Actually, if your theory is right, I will never be frozen, because my true love is within me therefore, tadaaaa! I can never be frozen! :D

Loving yourself is not a bad idea afterall eh? :p

But in all honesty, you really cannot blame me for loving myself because seriously, even my own parents denied their love for me..

See, a portion of my family members was in Israel last week as they are visiting the Al-Aqsa Mosque. My parents were expressing their jealousy in the family Whatsapp group when the others were sharing travel pictures.. So I asked my parents during breakfast last weekend,

D: InsyAllah if we don't go to US next year, we'll go to Al-Aqsa nak?

Me: Okay! :D Speaking of that, how come you two tak ikut dieorg this time?

M: We nak ikut, but they're going straight to umrah after that and I don't want to travel rush here rush there, penat!

Me: Ohhh, I thought you guys were waiting for me so then I can ikut too without having to worry about a thing!

M: .. Urr no. We don't love you THAT much, hehehe. We left you before you balik to UK what earlier this year to go to Umrah.

SHE SAID IT. SHE ACTUALLY SAID IT GUYS! Of course after that she continued with "This is not like travelling to Europe or that kind of thing okay. This is to AL-AQSA mosque. One of the three places that Nabi suruh you berebut to go to okay!" but still, the damage was done..

I've said it once, I'll say it again, nobody loves me :( 

Eugene Fitzherbert

Found this on Tumblr and thought it was worth sharing because it is so adorable!

I probably had my favorite interaction ever with Flynn Rider today. He was just super sweet and funny. He was just chilling by himself out in Fantasy Faire so I went to see him.

I asked him about where Rapunzel was, he answered that she was out and about and that he should look for her. He then asked me where my prince was. I say oh, I don’t have one. AND THEN HIS FREAKING RESPONSE (and hand on the shoulder in the picture):

Well be patient. He is out there somewhere. Us guys sometimes have to get ourselves together before we find our princesses. 

He also said to me, I really like your hair! Is it always this cute or just when you are meeting handsome men?

[Source]

Can somebody take me to Disneyland PLEASE?! I need to have conversations with these people! They are so "in character" it's so adorable!

Unconditional

So I just read that Hrithik Roshan and his wife, Suzanne Roshan are splitting.

...

.....

HUWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! :"( </3

I may be completely obsessive about Shah Rukh Khan but if there's one marriage that I "ship" in Bollywood, it would be Hrithik's. Let me tell you why.

They have been together for 5 years before they married each other. They've been married for 13 years! That's in total of 18 years together okay... That's almost my entire life!  O.O They've been together for almost my entire lifetime! Actually according to Hrithik, it's been much longer than that.. According to Hrithik, she was his first crush at 12 years old (they met at the compound of this building he used to go to to play). Years passed and they never actually spoke. At 16, they were in each other's presence again at someone's wedding, and he told his friend "You see that girl (Suzanne) over there? One day I'm going to marry her".. And they STILL haven't spoken to each other during this time. And then when they're older, a mutual friend introduced them after seeing each other again at a traffic light. "I think we're destined for each other", that's what Hrithik said about them. Well.. I think so too!

And that's why they're my favourite couple.

There's just something so romantic about them. Maybe because he's so in love with her and as much as I am a sucker for lovey dovey couples, I am more of a sucker for guys who adores their girls. Maybe also because of how much he believes in them. Maybe because of what he said about them being "destined for each other". Maybe, it's just him.

See, I've never been a crazy Hrithik Roshan - the actor fan. But I think I'm a HUGE fan for Hrithik Roshan - the lover. I mean come one, how can you not love this guy who said this about their split,

This is my greatest tribute to love. Suzanne is, and will always be the love of my life for the rest of my life. If her smiles are brighter without me, my love for her must accomplish that. Unconditional.

"If her smiles are brighter without me, my love for her must accomplish that". WEIH. Hand me the Premier tissues please! :"( You poor child, I wanna give you a hug so bad. I feel you child, I feel you :"( What's a little sacrifice for love right? You brave, strong person *hugs*. May you find your happiness Hrithik Roshan. I believe!

Speaking of love and guys, let me share with you a conversation I had with Mummy the other day.

I was watching Chennai Express for the idk-how-many-th time the other day in Mummy's room (because she called me and said "SYAAA! Come downnnnnn! Cepaaaat! I nak pengsan dah nih!" and I thought she was tired from doing house chores or something, turned out it was about handbags -.-)

And when it was at the part where Shah Rukh Khan's character, Rahul said that he'll fight each and every single one of the people there who opposes the idea of him and Meenama being together, simply because he loves her (which is also the part I always start crying in the film),

Me: :")

Mummy: Apahal you?

Me: He finally said he loves her.. :') See, that's all I want, right there, for a guy to fight for me and say "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Mummy: Jyeahhhhhhh... Well.... dream on.

Waaaaay to crush a girl's dream Mummy -.-'

So what's a girl to do after her "ship" sailed and her dreams destroyed by her own mother?

♥.♥

Hehehe, *peace*. Faith in love must be restored.

Marriage Isn't For You

"I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you.
You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that,your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married"

...

To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

Marriage Isn't For You - Seth Adam Smith.