Energy Burst

When we were in Uni, Zayana would go to the gym 3 out of 7 days a week, so that's like every other day. I used to think she's crazy, so I'd just sit at home and laze around waiting for her to come back to we can continue our #DiorellyandChanelaadventures. 

Being a girl, you can't run from those days of "I feel fat", especially when it's that time of the month. But, I know that I am very blessed with having a relatively okay metabolism. I don't gain fast (nor do I lose fast), and somehow or rather a breakup is just around the corner and I'd be back to losing more weight than whatever that I gained.. I always say to God, "Dear God, I wanna lose weight, but can we skip the heartbreak or any diseases and just let me miraculously just lose weight?" teehee!

Also, thanks to my cheerleading days, I know how skinny I can get if I work out a lot and as nice as having toned legs and arms, I know I don't look good being that skinny, in fact I look rather sickly. So I try to keep my body normal. 

As I age I realise this is getting harder and harder to do, but I was not named Potato for nothing :P #thankGodforgoodmetabolism

Earlier this year I took up Pilates in an act of "Let's try something new!". I have always wanted to try Pilates and I loved it immediately. Not only it helps with me keeping in shape (to this date I still have a love-hate relationship with my trainer which I've nicknamed "The Torturer") but it really did help me with my self-diagnosed depression (think Elle Woods' "Happy people just don't kill their husbands"). 

Then the Flycycle craze hit town. I think about 5 years ago I went for my first RPM class in my gym back then - I swore to never go back because my legs just couldn't take it!! Lesson learned: Never swear on "never". 

I ended up loving Flycycle, the sweat, the soreness, the I-feel-good-about-myself feeling and the burst of energy you get after!! I just keep coming back!

Never in a million years I thought I'd be a person who'd willingly workout (all I have to do is just look at my jiggly arms and I'd make an appointment with Fred and drag my sorry ass to class :p) but honestly, for anyone who is looking for something "fresh", try working out! My body just feels much better for the week with all the workouts slotted in for me afterwork. 

p/s: If you think this post was written after one of my workout sessions, you are right! #energyburstatmidnight... 

I know it's mid-week, but still, have a good week everybody!! 

xx, A. 

My Country

I love my country, I really do. 

Its shameful that people try to create a racial divide amongst Malaysians (and the rest of world actually..) whereas what made us unique to the world is the fact that we have so many different cultural backgrounds all blending in so well with one another. 

I am born with 1/2 Chinese and 1/2 Javanese/ Malay blood and I always add on that I am Indian by choice - considering all the Bollywood movies I watched, I might as well y'know, otherwise how am I gonna integrate a Bollywood Dance Party into my wedding?! What excuse am I going to give to my grandmother?

I love my country, with all its little quirks - the night market every weekend, the fact that you can get hot & warm roti canai no matter what time of the day it is, the halal yong tau fu and dimsums, pisang goreng for tea, all the colourful traditional wear that comes out during festive seasons and many many other things. 

Sure, like any other country in the world, there is always a room for improvement - because we are all humans anyways. But Malaysia is tanah tumpahnya darahku you know?

Plus, Malaysia blends my name in so well... 

That's right ;) Thanks Manda!

I don't think I said this yet - but Happy 59th year of independence Malaysia!!! And Happy 53rd birthday to the Federation of Malaysia.

May Malaysia be prosper and free for the rest of its life.

xx, A. 

Faith

I am an avid reader of Proudduck - eventhough my discovery of it was a bit late (back in 2011/2012?). Today, while reading Vivy's latest post, the last paragraph really hit me. 

In my many years of living, alhamdulillah, I don't think I've been tested that severely. That being said, it's only because I view my tests as so small compared to what I see and hear about others' test. I have cousins who are around my age or younger going through things you can't possibly imagine would happen to an average Joe.. So if you ask me, my rejection from my 1st Uni of choice, my troubled relationship, those are very, very, very light compared to what they had/ have to go through. 

But still, that does not mean I do not think that my story is not worthy to tell - afterall it is my blog you are reading

--

I can't remember if I wrote it here, but my first Uni of choice was Liverpool. I already had a classmate (from college) who was going to Liverpool and I thought, "Wonderful! We can apply for the same accommodation", Daddy's favourite team is Liverpool, he can visit me and we can go to the games together and all other things planned out. But when my A-Levels results came out, I missed the grades by 3 points - and with that 3 points, Liverpool slipped out of my hands. In 18 years of living, I can honestly say that this was the biggest blow (then) to me. You see, I was a good student in school, not amazing, but everybody knew I would score. I scored in all my major papers from UPSR up to SPM and I thought I would score A-Levels too. Alas, God brought me back down to Earth and I remember just crying for days because going to UK was a life-long dream.. 

But of course, God listens, and God is the best planner - God sent me to Sheffield. A place that I literally had to do research about and couldn't even begin to imagine how it looked like because I've literally never had any interest in it.. But it turned out to be a place where I left a piece of me and a place that is special to my heart. I cannot look at Tescos now without thinking about my random Tesco trips. I cannot have fried rice now wihtout thinking of Yummy's Fried Rice. As for friends that I was so scared about not being able to make any - well, not only that some of my highschool mates eventually made their way to Sheffield too, but I also made friends there than so happens to live within 5-20 minutes radius from me in KL.. God is the best planner, He listens to your every doa - even the silly ones like "Dear God, please grant me a Malaysian friend so Mummy would be at ease". 

My second greatest test in life (so far) I would say is about my turbulent relationship. Just like my studies, with relationships I have always been the one to leave it unscathed. Not to say that I was completely unfazed by it, but more like the sadness wouldn't have put me in a state of depression. 

After 5 years long of a relationship, when it ended early this year, nobody at work knew about the break up, until I had to gradually "announced" it because people were asking "Aren't you going out with him tonight? It's the weekend!", that kind of thing - and this was about a month afterwards because I was finally able to talk about it. They never knew about my silent cries at work - about how I'd cry alone in the surau while praying and immediately try to wipe it or stop it when someone else walks in to pray, about how I faked "my eyes are itchy" to explain why I'm "yawning a lot to wet my eyes". 

None of my friends (besides Zayana and Zoe) fully know what happened (some even til today perhaps) because all they got from me was "I don't want to talk about it". The most they got was "We broke up - please don't ask me anymore about him".

It took me all the way up to May to finally be done with it and close the book. And even then it literally took my dignity away because at one point I was at the stage of begging for mercy and it was never given and simply taken away from me. I had my mother not knowing what to do with me anymore and had to text Zayana, "Can you please talk to her? Aunty tak tahu nak cakap apa to her anymore". 

So you can imagine the amount of anger/ pain I was carrying with me all the way to Mekah. During my first few days there I remember praying to God telling Him about how hurt I was and begging for my pain to be lifted up. 

And of course, God listens, He protects you.. Remember about my incident with the grapes and the kids in Masjidil Haram? There was more to that story.. After berbuka, while performing Maghrib prayers, the boys actually prayed next to me (with their sister next to them). And for some reason, their innocence just got to me and the next thing I knew tears were falling down my cheeks and suddenly my heart felt light (and touched by the kids' innocence). That very moment, in prayers, I knew - whatever pain, hatred and anger that I felt and was holding on to, it was "lifted up". Weirdly also I remember having this conversation with God, "God, I want children of my own - children who are innocent, who appreciates the smallest kindness that people show them. I want to build a family with someone that You have written for me, and I know I can't find that happiness unless I let go of this pain". 

SubhanAllah and Alhamdulillah, I was able to complete my umrah and returned to Malaysia 10000x happier than when I left. Of course the sadness was there, it is only natural to be sad about something that has been with you for years, but I was no longer depressed. I no longer had the "I don't feel like doing anything" and spend waking moments with a constant pain in my heart. I was able to go places that brought back memories and I was just, content. 

--

God is great. He is the best planner. He listens and He knows just what you need and when you need it. 

I have learned to not put your trust in humans, but instead put your trust in God. Because God can change a human's heart in a beat (whether in your favour or not).. But believe that whatever happens, it is always the best for you.

Sheffield was the best for me because it let me to find another best friend and gave me my degree and a job I very much like. 

The break up was the best for me because it allowed me to feel God's grace, warmth, greatness and so much more!

And I know of course as I age, there will be more tests for me.. (Hopefully God take it easy still on me cause urm as you read, I really was tested lightly.. But God never put you through something He knows you wouldn't be able to handle) but I believe, insyaAllah I will be alright (at least on Earth..). 

Put your faith in no other but Allah S.W.T - and without faith, you'd go crazy. 

Monkey Business

I know how when you just got back from a long day at work, you just want something to make you laugh... 

Did it work? :D 

Happy long weekend everybody!

xx, A.

Only God Knows

These days, we are too quick to pass judgement on others. 

It is very saddening to see people fighting on some celebrity's Instapage - as if whatever you said made an impact on them. They receive thousands of notifications in a day on their page, very rare would they be able to sit and read your comments. So really, why bother?

People make fuss about someone who choose to open their hijab - while when they were wearing it (due to the fact she doesn't "behave" as how a tudung-wearing Muslimah should), you told her to take it off.. 

People make fuss about someone who can go to Hajj while she just registered for Hajj this year - you accused the managing institution of being biased, you accused of her of bribing them.. 

Why is there so much hate in this world until we are so quick to pass a negative judgement instead of just being positive and be happy for someone? 

If you've walked in their shoes, if you know their trouble, even for your worse enemy, you wouldn't wish the same ill you went through. 

We live in a world of social media, we are quick to judge what we see on social media - which mostly 9/10 times we post happy things. Nobody is going to post pictures of their puffy eyes after crying all night, nobody is gonna tell a story about silently crying during a meeting after receiving a heartbreaking news, nobody is going to be posting pictures of them pouring their heart out to God while in their prayers asking for God's help to ease their burden.. 

You see only good things and yet you want to condemn them not even knowing 1/10th of the real story. 

I as a person am very "judgemental" - Because I like clarity so much, I try to make everything black and white. I really hate grey areas.. But, everyday I too have to step back and tell myself "Aisya, don't be too quick to pass judgement, you only know as much as the projected truth that was put on them. The real truth you won't know unless you walk in their shoes".

I cannot look at people performing Umrah/ Hajj and post pictures about it and say "They're just showing off".. You take a picture of what you eat in a day, why can't you take picture of God's house?

I cannot read about a wife ranting on and on about her cheating husband and say "No wonder he cheated, she airs her dirty laundry to the world.. Serves her right!".. Eh hello, you have not been in their shoes, you don't bear her pain, you don't know her thought process.. Maybe she just needed an outlet. 

What goes on in a person's mind/ heart, their intentions, their niat, that's only between the person and God - hence why the term "Only God knows". Just because we are given a brain to think and we thought of why a person might do this and this, does not mean it's true. 

Let's just stop passing and judgement & let's just spread happiness. 

When you see someone taking off their tudung - of course you can't go "ALHAMDULILLAH", but the bare minimum is you should just pray for that person to find strength in at least maintaining her 5 daily prayers and abstinence from all the haram things.. Maybe one day they'll find the strength to put the tudung back one - because I know, this is not easy. 

When you see someone posting pictures in Mekah/ Madinah or of places they just travelled to - just say "Alhamdulillah, their rezeki. InsyAllah one day my rezeki will come and I can go there to". 

When you see people posting pictures while performing umrah & hajj - instead of saying "Alaa, showing off. Bukannya baik sangat dia tuh", remember whether they are nice or not out of the other 50/ 48 weeks of the year, God called them there.. And only God knows. 

And if even doing this is too much for you, there is always the option of just exiting the page. Don't look at it - out of sight, out of mind.

Remember,

xx, A.