Faith

I am an avid reader of Proudduck - eventhough my discovery of it was a bit late (back in 2011/2012?). Today, while reading Vivy's latest post, the last paragraph really hit me. 

In my many years of living, alhamdulillah, I don't think I've been tested that severely. That being said, it's only because I view my tests as so small compared to what I see and hear about others' test. I have cousins who are around my age or younger going through things you can't possibly imagine would happen to an average Joe.. So if you ask me, my rejection from my 1st Uni of choice, my troubled relationship, those are very, very, very light compared to what they had/ have to go through. 

But still, that does not mean I do not think that my story is not worthy to tell - afterall it is my blog you are reading

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I can't remember if I wrote it here, but my first Uni of choice was Liverpool. I already had a classmate (from college) who was going to Liverpool and I thought, "Wonderful! We can apply for the same accommodation", Daddy's favourite team is Liverpool, he can visit me and we can go to the games together and all other things planned out. But when my A-Levels results came out, I missed the grades by 3 points - and with that 3 points, Liverpool slipped out of my hands. In 18 years of living, I can honestly say that this was the biggest blow (then) to me. You see, I was a good student in school, not amazing, but everybody knew I would score. I scored in all my major papers from UPSR up to SPM and I thought I would score A-Levels too. Alas, God brought me back down to Earth and I remember just crying for days because going to UK was a life-long dream.. 

But of course, God listens, and God is the best planner - God sent me to Sheffield. A place that I literally had to do research about and couldn't even begin to imagine how it looked like because I've literally never had any interest in it.. But it turned out to be a place where I left a piece of me and a place that is special to my heart. I cannot look at Tescos now without thinking about my random Tesco trips. I cannot have fried rice now wihtout thinking of Yummy's Fried Rice. As for friends that I was so scared about not being able to make any - well, not only that some of my highschool mates eventually made their way to Sheffield too, but I also made friends there than so happens to live within 5-20 minutes radius from me in KL.. God is the best planner, He listens to your every doa - even the silly ones like "Dear God, please grant me a Malaysian friend so Mummy would be at ease". 

My second greatest test in life (so far) I would say is about my turbulent relationship. Just like my studies, with relationships I have always been the one to leave it unscathed. Not to say that I was completely unfazed by it, but more like the sadness wouldn't have put me in a state of depression. 

After 5 years long of a relationship, when it ended early this year, nobody at work knew about the break up, until I had to gradually "announced" it because people were asking "Aren't you going out with him tonight? It's the weekend!", that kind of thing - and this was about a month afterwards because I was finally able to talk about it. They never knew about my silent cries at work - about how I'd cry alone in the surau while praying and immediately try to wipe it or stop it when someone else walks in to pray, about how I faked "my eyes are itchy" to explain why I'm "yawning a lot to wet my eyes". 

None of my friends (besides Zayana and Zoe) fully know what happened (some even til today perhaps) because all they got from me was "I don't want to talk about it". The most they got was "We broke up - please don't ask me anymore about him".

It took me all the way up to May to finally be done with it and close the book. And even then it literally took my dignity away because at one point I was at the stage of begging for mercy and it was never given and simply taken away from me. I had my mother not knowing what to do with me anymore and had to text Zayana, "Can you please talk to her? Aunty tak tahu nak cakap apa to her anymore". 

So you can imagine the amount of anger/ pain I was carrying with me all the way to Mekah. During my first few days there I remember praying to God telling Him about how hurt I was and begging for my pain to be lifted up. 

And of course, God listens, He protects you.. Remember about my incident with the grapes and the kids in Masjidil Haram? There was more to that story.. After berbuka, while performing Maghrib prayers, the boys actually prayed next to me (with their sister next to them). And for some reason, their innocence just got to me and the next thing I knew tears were falling down my cheeks and suddenly my heart felt light (and touched by the kids' innocence). That very moment, in prayers, I knew - whatever pain, hatred and anger that I felt and was holding on to, it was "lifted up". Weirdly also I remember having this conversation with God, "God, I want children of my own - children who are innocent, who appreciates the smallest kindness that people show them. I want to build a family with someone that You have written for me, and I know I can't find that happiness unless I let go of this pain". 

SubhanAllah and Alhamdulillah, I was able to complete my umrah and returned to Malaysia 10000x happier than when I left. Of course the sadness was there, it is only natural to be sad about something that has been with you for years, but I was no longer depressed. I no longer had the "I don't feel like doing anything" and spend waking moments with a constant pain in my heart. I was able to go places that brought back memories and I was just, content. 

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God is great. He is the best planner. He listens and He knows just what you need and when you need it. 

I have learned to not put your trust in humans, but instead put your trust in God. Because God can change a human's heart in a beat (whether in your favour or not).. But believe that whatever happens, it is always the best for you.

Sheffield was the best for me because it let me to find another best friend and gave me my degree and a job I very much like. 

The break up was the best for me because it allowed me to feel God's grace, warmth, greatness and so much more!

And I know of course as I age, there will be more tests for me.. (Hopefully God take it easy still on me cause urm as you read, I really was tested lightly.. But God never put you through something He knows you wouldn't be able to handle) but I believe, insyaAllah I will be alright (at least on Earth..). 

Put your faith in no other but Allah S.W.T - and without faith, you'd go crazy.